Over the past couple of weeks we have been going from one appointment to the next and everything has been stable. Last week they measured lil Ms. Sadie and estimated that she weighs approximately 7 lb 14 oz with over 3 lbs of that just being her right kidney. This estimate however is probably a little off because the computer doesn't exactly know how to take into consideration that her kidney is full of fluid, so she probably weighs a little less than this. The good news is regardless of whether the estimate is off, she is a good weight for her gestational age. Everything is growing and is normal in size other than her blocked (or multi-cystic) kidney.
Yesterday I went back to Roanoke and the fluid had dropped back down again. I got home from the appointment and began feeling very convicted that I had not been taking my bed rest serious enough. Modified bed rest can mean many things, but I know I was doing way too much. I read online at some of the "guidelines" of modified bed rest and realized that it doesn't just mean doing less than what you are used to doing. It means you can eat dinner at the table with your family and you can be up 10-15 minutes with 2 hour intervals. I had been staying on my feet only 10 -15 minutes at a time but my intervals of laying down were no where near 2 hours or even 1 hour, or even 30 minutes most of the time. Since I got home I have been pretty much just laying down, getting up only to eat or use the rest room. I have been battling with guilt and trying not to let it overwhelm me. The thought that her fluid is down because of me is a horrible. Sean has been so encouraging and I have asked several friends to pray for me... but honestly, it has just been a hard day and a half. I have a doctors appointment Wednesday and Thursday. Thursday they will do another ultrasound and if the fluid has gone any lower they will consider readmitting me into UVA. Which again, if I had been doing what I was told, I would be able to be home with my guys instead of in a hospital 3 hours away. Please pray that the next couple days of rest would stabilize the fluid again and I would be able to stay out of the hospital. I am opening up to you about the battles with guilt for a reason (not for pity or pats on the back).
Because of some conversations that I have recently had, I realized that in this blog I haven't really talked about the hard days or times of struggle. I mainly focused on the good.... because that is what I do in my life, thanks to Christ. He is the Good and I strive to keep my eyes on Him. Being vulnerable to the Lord is one thing and being vulnerable to everyone else is another. The purpose of this blog is that Christ be glorified, not me. His strength is seen in my weakness. And I am weak. There are days when I cry harder than I have ever cried. There are moments when I take my eyes off of Christ and begin to look at the circumstances around me. There are moments when I begin to allow self pity to creep into my heart. I am but dust. But the Breath of God has blown on this dust and brought it to life. I do not stay in these places, and they do not characterize my walk through this journey. I have in no way been fake or put up a front in this blog. Every word of peace and joy has been true. My heart is full of praise and thanksgiving to the Lord for His goodness and His nearness during this time. It has honestly been one of the sweetest times of my life! I want God to get the most glory from me and I think part of that is to be more open up with some of the emotions I have struggled with. My most intimate thoughts and emotions are reserved for my Lord and my husband, but I do want to try and be more open on this blog. I want other believers walking through trials to know that the hope and strength that Christ has given is not because I have some "special faith" but because of Him and Him alone. He promises that if you seek Him, He may be found. I want those who have never known the peace of God, to not think that I am just some "church girl" and that it is just what works for me. I have lived much of my life without any peace and have gone through many horrible circumstances without any hope. But then... Christ!!! Any peace at all must start with peace with God. Without peace "with" God, there is no hope for true peace in the midst circumstances. Cry out to Him while He may be found! Oh, I pray that His mercy may be seen and that those reading would yearn for Him! He is worth every second of every trial. Better is one day in His courts than a thousand elsewhere. This is a poem that I heard several years ago and recently came across again. It has been such a blessing to me. In this poem, I am in no way suggesting that Sadie is the thorn, she is all blessing. The thorn is the trials that we face.
Yesterday I went back to Roanoke and the fluid had dropped back down again. I got home from the appointment and began feeling very convicted that I had not been taking my bed rest serious enough. Modified bed rest can mean many things, but I know I was doing way too much. I read online at some of the "guidelines" of modified bed rest and realized that it doesn't just mean doing less than what you are used to doing. It means you can eat dinner at the table with your family and you can be up 10-15 minutes with 2 hour intervals. I had been staying on my feet only 10 -15 minutes at a time but my intervals of laying down were no where near 2 hours or even 1 hour, or even 30 minutes most of the time. Since I got home I have been pretty much just laying down, getting up only to eat or use the rest room. I have been battling with guilt and trying not to let it overwhelm me. The thought that her fluid is down because of me is a horrible. Sean has been so encouraging and I have asked several friends to pray for me... but honestly, it has just been a hard day and a half. I have a doctors appointment Wednesday and Thursday. Thursday they will do another ultrasound and if the fluid has gone any lower they will consider readmitting me into UVA. Which again, if I had been doing what I was told, I would be able to be home with my guys instead of in a hospital 3 hours away. Please pray that the next couple days of rest would stabilize the fluid again and I would be able to stay out of the hospital. I am opening up to you about the battles with guilt for a reason (not for pity or pats on the back).
Because of some conversations that I have recently had, I realized that in this blog I haven't really talked about the hard days or times of struggle. I mainly focused on the good.... because that is what I do in my life, thanks to Christ. He is the Good and I strive to keep my eyes on Him. Being vulnerable to the Lord is one thing and being vulnerable to everyone else is another. The purpose of this blog is that Christ be glorified, not me. His strength is seen in my weakness. And I am weak. There are days when I cry harder than I have ever cried. There are moments when I take my eyes off of Christ and begin to look at the circumstances around me. There are moments when I begin to allow self pity to creep into my heart. I am but dust. But the Breath of God has blown on this dust and brought it to life. I do not stay in these places, and they do not characterize my walk through this journey. I have in no way been fake or put up a front in this blog. Every word of peace and joy has been true. My heart is full of praise and thanksgiving to the Lord for His goodness and His nearness during this time. It has honestly been one of the sweetest times of my life! I want God to get the most glory from me and I think part of that is to be more open up with some of the emotions I have struggled with. My most intimate thoughts and emotions are reserved for my Lord and my husband, but I do want to try and be more open on this blog. I want other believers walking through trials to know that the hope and strength that Christ has given is not because I have some "special faith" but because of Him and Him alone. He promises that if you seek Him, He may be found. I want those who have never known the peace of God, to not think that I am just some "church girl" and that it is just what works for me. I have lived much of my life without any peace and have gone through many horrible circumstances without any hope. But then... Christ!!! Any peace at all must start with peace with God. Without peace "with" God, there is no hope for true peace in the midst circumstances. Cry out to Him while He may be found! Oh, I pray that His mercy may be seen and that those reading would yearn for Him! He is worth every second of every trial. Better is one day in His courts than a thousand elsewhere. This is a poem that I heard several years ago and recently came across again. It has been such a blessing to me. In this poem, I am in no way suggesting that Sadie is the thorn, she is all blessing. The thorn is the trials that we face.
I stood a mendicant (beggar) of God before His royal Throne; and begged Him for one priceless gift which I could call my own.
I took the gift from out His hand but as I would depart I cried, "Lord, this is a thorn and it has pierced my heart. This is a strange and hurtful gift which Thou hast given me."
He said, "My child, I give good gifts and I gave My best to Thee."
I took it home and though at first the cruel thorn hurt sore; as long years past I learned at last to love it more and more.
I learned He never gives a thorn without this added grace-
He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil that hides His Face.
-Martha Nicholson