As I prayed for Sadie this morning, I felt strength in the Lord. Sadie is being fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that there is no “defect” in her. She is being made exactly as her Creator would have her to be. And so am I. I feel as though I am on the Potter’s wheel, being shaped and molded into an instrument usable for His purposes and His glory. A couple days before we got the results from the amniocentesis, I was waiting for the phone call from the doctor. There was a possibility of getting some preliminary results a few days before the full results came in. That day when the phone rang, the doctor was calling to say that the preliminary results were “inconclusive”. I would just have to wait another week for the full results (which came in much earlier than expected, in fact… 2 days later). I was also expecting a package in the mail from my aunt, and it didn’t come. I found that the wind had been taken out of my sails and I just wanted to cry. At first I thought, “no, I can’t cry… I have to be strong”. Then the Lord reminded me of that day at the doctor the week before when He had beckoned me to Himself and encouraged me to jump headlong into His will with no fear. I was reminded that I did not have to fear raw vulnerability with the Lord. He was trustworthy. I could trust Him with my joy and my pain. So I cried, and felt relief. Then I went downstairs with a cup and tea and sat to pray for a bit. The Lord so gently began to direct my heart, not in a disciplining kind of way, but a Father teaching His daughter. He showed me that I had been putting my hope in something as insignificant as whether or not I got mail that day. He showed me that I was not to put my hope in test results, doctors, or any other person. Even though the Lord has given me an amazing church family, an amazing support system, and an amazing husband…. I am not to put my trust into any of that. He will use others to encourage and comfort me, but even those with the best intentions will not always know exactly what to say, or exactly what I need. I don’t even know what I need most of the time. I am to put my trust only in Him. He is my Resting Place. This will be a long journey, if I put my trust in test results and procedures I will be on an emotional roller coaster and will never be able to persevere with joy. If I put my trust in other people, I put expectations on them that they can never live up to, because they are not God. But there is One that I can dive into, free-falling, trusting whole-heartedly without regard to the circumstances around me and I can be confident that I am safe in His Hands. I will rest on the Potters wheel, the Potter’s will…. As He shapes and molds me… just as He shapes and molds the little girl growing inside my womb. We are both safe and being made into exactly what He would have us to be.
